New Mormon Policy on Gay Families

I have now had some time to think about the new LDS church policy and do not feel so reactionary about it. For anyone who is still unfamiliar, though I am not sure how that is possible, it is a new policy that declares anyone who is LGBT and lives in accordance with that identification (for example, are in a same sex relationship) are considered apostates. Any children living in a household (at least most of the time) with a parent or parents who are living in a same sex relationship will not be allowed full membership until they are 18 and denounce their parents' homosexuality.

Many religions have always seen homosexuality as a sin and therefore any homosexual acts as sinful. This is not new, or a surprise to anyone. But what did surprise people is the way the LDS church leadership has chosen to deal with the children of these individuals. And for me there are two big issues that arise with this new policy that seem to be in direct conflict with other Mormon and Christian doctrine.

1. Blessings, Baptism, and the Priesthood: For the church to create a policy that prevents an innocent child from receiving these ordinances they are either saying that children of a LGBT parent are not worthy, and are therefore being punished for the sins of their parents, OR they are saying that these ordinances maybe aren't as important as they seem. Because if they really were essential to an individuals exaltation then they are damning these children for something they have no control over until they are 18. But on the other hand, maybe getting blessings when you are young, and being baptized at age 8, and doing temple ordinances like baptisms for the dead when you are 12, and (if you are a boy) also getting the priesthood at age 12 really aren't that important. At least not essential at the currently typical ages. Perhaps more children should be made to wait a little longer before participating in some of these things so you can really be sure they fully understand what they are doing and that LDS doctrine is not in conflict with other beliefs they may hold. Which brings me to my second issue, which is a harder one to get around...

2. Family Conflicts: The justification the church issued for not including children of LGBT parents in these ordinances can be summed up as "for their own good." The LDS church leaders say that they do not want to cause confusion with children who are living in a household that is in direct conflict with church teachings. This sounds like a noble gesture; they want to preserve the family. Until you realize that they are actively recruiting young people who are still living with their parents to convert to the church. These are children of parents who are not members of the LDS faith. There seems to be no concern for conflicts that may arise between the belief system of a parent in a heterosexual relationship and what the LDS doctrine teaches. Now those parents have to give permission for a child to be baptized if they are under 18. But the opportunity still is there for these children to be baptized with parental permission where this is not the case for children of LGBT parents. Is the LDS church going to agree to not recruit the children of non-members, or even the children of members who are not living in accordance with the doctrine? If this was truly their goal, then they should also have a policy not to recruit anyone under the age of 18.

I think this is why many people are struggling with the new policy on both sides of the church. For those who are not active members or were on the verge of leaving anyway, this is just one more example of the church showing exclusion and discrimination before love and acceptance. Which is hard to co-exist with the broader Christian beliefs that the LDS church is supposed to be based on. But the other side that is struggling are the true believers. They believe that this is inspired doctrine whether we understand it or not. However, it is not an easy policy to understand and so once again these true believers have to act as the apologists for the church. They try to reiterate the messages from the leadership that attempt to explain why these policies are good. But at the same time the LDS church teaches that we have agency, and we should be able to tell right from wrong, and even that we only need to rely on these feelings to know that the church is true. So if this policy is good, and from God, shouldn't it be immediately apparent to most people? After all, Mormon missionaries only ask investigators to pray for a feeling in order to know the entire church doctrine is true. Members should, then, be able to trust their feelings. But if they question, or think something doesn't feel right, they are taught that THOSE feelings aren't true feelings. Only feelings that confirm the church can be true feelings. So in reality, you cannot trust you own feelings - only what the church tells you to feel. All of this leads to a sense of cognitive dissonance and those true believing members get defensive about their beliefs because they don't like when someone points out the inconsistencies in their religion. So they either fight back through insults ("it's easier to question and give up than to do the right thing," etc...) or they avoid the topic altogether with anyone who doesn't confirm what they are supposed to believe.

I know there are some people out there who will feel that they do not fall into either of these broader categories, and that is great. If you believe in the policy wholeheartedly and do not feel defensive about it, or uncomfortable with it, then that's great. I am not seeking to tell anyone they are wrong. I am only reporting my observations and the questions I have for the church moving forward that this policy seems to directly conflict with. I clearly don't believe this was inspired by God, or even very well thought out by LDS church leaders. It is unfortunate that children may suffer due to these policies. I hope those who are hurting can find their own peace with the situation.

Trick-or-Treat vs. Trunk-or-Treat

Trick-or-Treat vs. Trunk-or-Treat

Picture from FayToday.com

Each Halloween parents are faced with a decision to have their children go trick-or-treating door-to-door or find a local trunk-or-treat event. Now in saying that I realize that some people will say that they do both. That's fine. But I am here to make an argument for good, old fashioned, door-to-door, trick-or-treating and against the new fad of trunk-or-treating.

First, trunk-or-treating is cheating. Plain and simple. Taking your kid to a parking lot and having them walk from car-to-car to load up their bags is cheating. They don't have to do any work to get all that candy. You might as well buy them a costco size bag of candy, dress them in their costumes to take pictures for instagram so all your friends can see how cute they are and then take them to a friend's house to play video games. Okay, maybe that's a little extreme... but it really is cheating.

Walking around the neighborhood for candy is good for many reasons. It's good exercise, especially if they are going to be eating a whole bag of candy. In a way, it portion controls the amount of candy they get. If your kid gets tired of walking around door-to-door for candy and wants to stop trick-or-treating, they will end up with less candy. If they want to keep going, keep walking and getting more exercise, they will end up with more candy. I realize that the kids aren't going to eat all the candy that night, but it might just give them a sense of working harder for greater gains. Trunk-or-treating, on the other hand, allows them to load up as much candy as they possibly can without putting forth much effort. 

It is good exercise for the parents as well. Walking with your children through the neighborhood will also get you out and about, so when you sneak some candy from your kids' bag you will at least have walked a few blocks first. This also allows you to make sure your young kids are staying safe while you are exercising together. It is well known that exercise releases endorphins, and if you are able to do this together as a family, it will strengthen family bonds. This is something that should be practiced often as a family and not just on Halloween, but Halloween is a great time to get started. 

Second, the safety issue. When I was a child there were urban legends going around about poisoned candy and razor blades and all manner of atrocious things, but none of these stories were true. Many parents like the security of the trunk-or-treat and feel it is safer than wandering through neighborhoods. It is true that if you attend a trunk-or-treat it is because you are likely already affiliated with the group who is hosting it. So therefore you are more likely to know and trust those who are attending. Many of them may be your neighbors if the trunk-or-treat is at a church or a school (as they often are). It may seem safe but I believe there are more hidden dangers by going to the trunk-or-treat than you may realize. 

Kids are smart little sponges of information both conscious and subconscious. They will realize why you are taking them trunk-or-treating whatever the reason may be. By taking them to the trunk-or-treat you are preventing them from not only meeting new people in the neighborhood that may not be associated with the trunk-or-treat group, but you are also preventing them from seeing people they already know in a different context. If you are taking your kids trunk-or-treating at a school or church, it is likely that you will be seeing the people there that you already see at school and/or church. I believe it is much safer for your children if they have a sense of where these neighbors live. Especially in an emergency situation you would want them to know which doors they can knock on and know that someone inside knows who they are and can help them.

And as for meeting strangers in the neighborhood, wouldn't it be better for everyone if there were fewer strangers in the neighborhood? Research shows that knowing your neighbors has many benefits, such as: diffusing conflicts, sense of belonging and shared identity, and good mental health. Another benefit to taking your kids door-to-door is that you have the opportunity to meet some neighbors, so you as well can know who to turn to if you find yourself in an emergency (even if the emergency is to borrow a cup of sugar). It also allows you to see how some of these neighborhood strangers interact with your children. The first step in protecting your child from stranger danger may be to narrow the 'stranger' field. And if more neighbors know your child by name, and that it is your child, they can help you look out for them and notice when a true stranger may be lurking around. 

If your kids are too old to have a parent tag along for trick-or-treating, make sure they go with a group of friends and know a few basic safety tips: don't go inside someone's house, stay on the porch for your candy and if they want you to come inside for it, leave. But the biggest danger to kids is being hit by a car. Kids are twice as likely to get hit by a car on Halloween than any other time. So tell them to look out for cars - and maybe attach some reflective strips to their costume if you can. 

But even with the danger of being hit by a car, going door-to-door is better for you and your children than going trunk-to-trunk. I hope everyone reading this has a fun and safe Halloween however you decide to celebrate it.