New Mormon Policy on Gay Families

I have now had some time to think about the new LDS church policy and do not feel so reactionary about it. For anyone who is still unfamiliar, though I am not sure how that is possible, it is a new policy that declares anyone who is LGBT and lives in accordance with that identification (for example, are in a same sex relationship) are considered apostates. Any children living in a household (at least most of the time) with a parent or parents who are living in a same sex relationship will not be allowed full membership until they are 18 and denounce their parents' homosexuality.

Many religions have always seen homosexuality as a sin and therefore any homosexual acts as sinful. This is not new, or a surprise to anyone. But what did surprise people is the way the LDS church leadership has chosen to deal with the children of these individuals. And for me there are two big issues that arise with this new policy that seem to be in direct conflict with other Mormon and Christian doctrine.

1. Blessings, Baptism, and the Priesthood: For the church to create a policy that prevents an innocent child from receiving these ordinances they are either saying that children of a LGBT parent are not worthy, and are therefore being punished for the sins of their parents, OR they are saying that these ordinances maybe aren't as important as they seem. Because if they really were essential to an individuals exaltation then they are damning these children for something they have no control over until they are 18. But on the other hand, maybe getting blessings when you are young, and being baptized at age 8, and doing temple ordinances like baptisms for the dead when you are 12, and (if you are a boy) also getting the priesthood at age 12 really aren't that important. At least not essential at the currently typical ages. Perhaps more children should be made to wait a little longer before participating in some of these things so you can really be sure they fully understand what they are doing and that LDS doctrine is not in conflict with other beliefs they may hold. Which brings me to my second issue, which is a harder one to get around...

2. Family Conflicts: The justification the church issued for not including children of LGBT parents in these ordinances can be summed up as "for their own good." The LDS church leaders say that they do not want to cause confusion with children who are living in a household that is in direct conflict with church teachings. This sounds like a noble gesture; they want to preserve the family. Until you realize that they are actively recruiting young people who are still living with their parents to convert to the church. These are children of parents who are not members of the LDS faith. There seems to be no concern for conflicts that may arise between the belief system of a parent in a heterosexual relationship and what the LDS doctrine teaches. Now those parents have to give permission for a child to be baptized if they are under 18. But the opportunity still is there for these children to be baptized with parental permission where this is not the case for children of LGBT parents. Is the LDS church going to agree to not recruit the children of non-members, or even the children of members who are not living in accordance with the doctrine? If this was truly their goal, then they should also have a policy not to recruit anyone under the age of 18.

I think this is why many people are struggling with the new policy on both sides of the church. For those who are not active members or were on the verge of leaving anyway, this is just one more example of the church showing exclusion and discrimination before love and acceptance. Which is hard to co-exist with the broader Christian beliefs that the LDS church is supposed to be based on. But the other side that is struggling are the true believers. They believe that this is inspired doctrine whether we understand it or not. However, it is not an easy policy to understand and so once again these true believers have to act as the apologists for the church. They try to reiterate the messages from the leadership that attempt to explain why these policies are good. But at the same time the LDS church teaches that we have agency, and we should be able to tell right from wrong, and even that we only need to rely on these feelings to know that the church is true. So if this policy is good, and from God, shouldn't it be immediately apparent to most people? After all, Mormon missionaries only ask investigators to pray for a feeling in order to know the entire church doctrine is true. Members should, then, be able to trust their feelings. But if they question, or think something doesn't feel right, they are taught that THOSE feelings aren't true feelings. Only feelings that confirm the church can be true feelings. So in reality, you cannot trust you own feelings - only what the church tells you to feel. All of this leads to a sense of cognitive dissonance and those true believing members get defensive about their beliefs because they don't like when someone points out the inconsistencies in their religion. So they either fight back through insults ("it's easier to question and give up than to do the right thing," etc...) or they avoid the topic altogether with anyone who doesn't confirm what they are supposed to believe.

I know there are some people out there who will feel that they do not fall into either of these broader categories, and that is great. If you believe in the policy wholeheartedly and do not feel defensive about it, or uncomfortable with it, then that's great. I am not seeking to tell anyone they are wrong. I am only reporting my observations and the questions I have for the church moving forward that this policy seems to directly conflict with. I clearly don't believe this was inspired by God, or even very well thought out by LDS church leaders. It is unfortunate that children may suffer due to these policies. I hope those who are hurting can find their own peace with the situation.

Running From Your Problems

'You Can't Run Away from Your Problems'

We've heard this saying, or some variation of it, throughout our entire lives. We are encouraged to face all of our challenges and to either solve them or accept them. Running away from our problems is looked at as weakness, but is running away really NEVER an option? 

I think society uses cliche sayings far too often. There is some good to them, but also some bad. And the consequences may far outweigh the benefits. But first I will focus on the good.

There is some truth to these sayings. Often our problems come from within. Many people create problems in their own lives and lack the introspection to realize it or the self efficacy to change. In these circumstances our problems really will follow us wherever we go. The longer we sit in denial of our own hand in our situations, our own role in our destiny, the bigger those problems may become. 

However, some people who lack self awareness may also lack the ability to even recognize that problems exist. They are in such denial of their problems that they minimize, rationalize, and justify the troubles surrounding them. They refuse to think there's anything wrong and may even seem to carry on happily. We see them pushing everyone around them away. Being close to someone, on a deep level, forces us to see our own faults. True friends may point our predicaments and shortcomings out to us, and the denier doesn't want to have to face these problems. Someone who won't allow themselves to be close to others has the kind problems that will follow that person around until they have a desire to see themselves more fully.

The opposite of the deniers are the martyrs. They are similar to the deniers in that they lack introspection, however, the martyrs tell a different story. They know their lives have problems; their coworkers are awful, their significant other is immature or clueless or rude, their friends are judgmental or untrustworthy, and their family is harsh and unforgiving.  They see themselves as victims of all those around them and of life in general. They feel that everyone treats them poorly and life is completely unfair. They wallow in their self pity and aim to drag you down with them. Constantly seeking validation that they are a good person who has been treated unfairly, they want your empathy. They want you to feel bad too. But what they aren't admitting to you, or themselves, is that they actually enjoy being victimized. In fact, they often aren't really a victim at all, they just want you to pay attention to them and feel bad for them. Once you catch on to their self-sabotaging ways you may try to make them see their reality, that they are the cause of their own problems. You are the aforementioned friend who points their shortcomings out to them because you want to help them. But the minute you do that you because just another friend who 'betrayed' them. The next thing you know, it's you they're sobbing about to their new friends. Martyrs also have the kinds of problems that will follow them around no matter how far they try to run.

But can you really NEVER run away from problems? Society tells us, and we tell ourselves that we have to take the bull by the horns and face problems head-on. But I think that sometimes the best solution is to give up and move on. It's not ALWAYS the solution, but we honestly would never tell someone in an abusive relationship to suck it up. We would tell them to get away. Sometimes the abuse is more subtle, so the true victims think they just need to try harder to make it work. They are told, or start to think, that they are the ones creating the problems and they need to try harder. It can be tremendously damaging for them to hear "you can't run away from your problems" from someone who doesn't truly understand the situation they are in. What this cliche is really saying is 1. your problems are your own fault, and 2. it's never going to get better, so deal with it.

If you have tried to face a problem directly and you are getting nowhere with it, it may be time to accept the situation and stop draining so much of your energy in trying to fix it. This is particularly good advice if the problem is involving someone else, and your solution to the problem is for that person to change. We cannot change others. Give up. Move on. This could mean letting go of a relationship that continues to have unresolvable issues, or you feel it has become abusive. If you suspect you might be in an abusive relationship but aren't sure, here's a couple of websites with more information on the warning signs and who to call if you need help getting out.

This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. Relationships with friends and family can also be toxic, and if have come to a point where you get anxious thinking about spending time with the other person, or you always feel sour or drained after talking or being with them, these are signs that the relationship is not healthy. Sometimes it can be our jobs that make us feel this way. Nobody likes their job 100% of the time. Anything worth doing is going to be somewhat stressful and require effort. But if you dread going into work, avoid contact with bosses and coworkers, feel miserable while at work and after coming home from work, then perhaps a change is in order.

On a personal note, I worked in a very toxic environment for a number of years. I was young and it was one of my first "real" jobs. I had an overbearing boss who was manipulative and vindictive. She was a very black and white thinker, and I was anxious all the time that I would say or do something that would put me on her bad side. The entire company was dysfunctional and the whole situation put me under so much pressure that I became depressed. I couldn't sleep, I was tired all the time. I lost motivation to do other things in my life that I used to enjoy. I stuck it out for so long that I started to think that I was the problem. I started to believe that maybe I was the one who was difficult to work with, or that I was being too sensitive or lazy. It took me a long time to find a new job, and I was so afraid when I actually started getting interviews that it would be just as bad, if not worse, no matter where I went. I had reached a point of hopelessness.

Luckily for me I found a new job. A job that I love, with coworkers who are great to work with and a boss that doesn't manipulate me. It took me a while to trust my coworkers. I was very reluctant to share anything personal about myself when I first started because I was worried that they would use the information to take advantage of me, or judge me. Over time I have grown to trust my coworkers more and more. This experience has helped me to realize that sometimes you can run away from your problems, and sometimes you are saving your life in the process.

I want to stress that I am not encouraging anyone to jump ship at the first sign of trouble. All relationships go through rough patches and if you can make it through those tough times your relationships will often come out stronger and more meaningful. But if the problems have been going on for a long time, if the bad outweighs the good and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, take a deep breath and walk away.

The bottom line to is this: Problems you create for yourself will be with you wherever you go, problems created by other people can, however, can be escaped from. Find the courage to get yourself out of toxic situations, and don't let anyone tell you they're your fault.

Running away will probably not fix all of your problems, but if we don't change our habits and break our unhealthy cycles of behavior then we become stuck in those patterns. You may not know for certain if the problems you are facing are being caused by others or by yourself, but sometimes the only way to see your problems clearly is to change your context. Once you've stepped away, the problems caused by others will fade and the ones you are causing yourself will be impossible to ignore.